RAMBLINGS

Something Ugly in all of us

I’ve always thought of my relationship with God as unwavering, devoted, and perfectly balanced. I never thought of it as complicated or challenging. I never questioned my struggles, and I never surrendered to what I didn’t believe in. I have managed to keep my faith in God despite disappointments, sorrow, disaster, and all things I didn’t understand. But 2021 came in like horrific tornado, flattening all that was in its path, and left behind so much destruction, despair, and misery. It felt as though the weakest were being challenged, the good were being persecuted, and that only the strongest would survive.

It was a year in which I had to fight the hardest for the survival of my soul, when my mind began to question all that I once believed to be good and of God. At times, my mind told me that God had abandoned us, and that we were losing the fight of and for our lives. It hinted that we were not worth His time, effort or love anymore. It persistently nudged me to a point where I wondered whether He had not simply just given up on us. It was a bitter warfare raging inside of me as I desperately tried to overcome my mind and thoughts, and cling to what my soul knew and knows to be real.

It was a year of conformity, great deceptions and obedience systematically instilled through fear. Throughout the world, there was one constant, and it tore people apart. It caused division, anger, grief, pain, fear, and a state of uncertainty. The world became one big cubicle filled with thousands of one-size-fits-all boxes. For each of us, there was one and we were handed our boxes. Some conformed through worry, trust and by simply being good people who wanted to do the right thing. Others took what didn’t feel right about these boxes, and pushed back despite being ruthlessly chewed up, spat out, condemned and damned into an eternity of doom and gloom. What was initially a hairline tear began ripping mercilessly apart between us until there were two sides. Those that fit into the exact dimensions and designs of these boxes, even if they had to adapt and alter themselves, and those who just couldn’t change to fit in, like everyone else was trying.

And so, the ugly in all of us began and with every person that came across our individual trails, we realized how desperate they too were to fit into their boxes, or frantic to stay out of theirs. The ugly began brewing between the two sides as accusations were being hurled back and forth. The one side angry and almost paralyzed by fear that the other side wasn’t seeing what they saw. The other side frustrated by the one side being led by what they deemed to be wolves in sheep’s clothing. And while all this was happening between the boxed and the unboxed, those responsible for these boxes were watching, planning, and scheming, trying to find ways to separate God from us all.

Those that just couldn’t fit into these boxes began questioning whether perhaps, there was something wrong with them. They had moments of doubt and all that they once believed to be true. They questioned God’s role in all the crooked and upside down of the world as they watched an unruly and unfair world play out in front of them. Nothing was or is right anymore. Nothing is as it should be. Nothing makes sense anymore and nothing feels right inside. Our minds try to excuse and justify all that is wrong, but our souls know better. It waits for God to step in and end this bitter warfare between His own. The unboxed fight harder and pray with faith that is starting to slightly dwindle. It’s a struggle. They pray not only for their own sanity and soul, but for the boxed who are still twisting and turning around in their boxes trying to fit in. The caged who can no longer see past this one big cubicle and the world they have started conforming to. It’s tearing both sides apart. The boxed know something is wrong, but instead of seeing what is right in front of them, they spend their days shaping themselves so that they can fit perfectly into their boxes and as a reward, be accepted into a society that should never have stolen their freedom from them. The boxed want to play by the rules, obey the law, and be the image in which God created them in. They trust the world to do the right thing for and on behalf of them, and so the deception around them carries on unnoticed. They maneuver around, twist and turn when the box becomes uncomfortable. They find new positions after bending over backwards to prove themselves to the world. And for a while, they are comfortable again.

There was something ugly in all of us this year. We have lost loved ones, friendships and families have been torn apart. We have been separated from our children, parents, and grandchildren. Loved ones who lay dying in hospital beds were left to die alone. A simple touch was condemned. A hug or a gentle kiss was denounced. Taking a hand or pulling someone closer was criticized. We were given timelines in which to move around just long enough to create the impression of freedom, but only until it was time to be placed back into our cages. We were restricted from certain drinks and foods for a while. We were held in our boxes so as not to say goodbye to a loved one, or hello to someone we were longing for.

We were and still are, controlled. Governed. Indoctrinated. Deceived. And while all this is going on, those responsible are gaining souls for the wrong side. These souls don’t even know it. They can’t see it. For some, the fight against good and evil is taking place between here and somewhere in Heaven or hell. Not here. Not on this earth. It has to be somewhere else, in between. But, this is the in between. This is where the war is happening. This is our warfare. It is here. They can feel it. From the innermost core of many of the deceived, they can feel it and know that something is wide off the mark, even though they don’t understand it.

There was something really big going on, but really wrong with 2021. It asked us to renounce who we were, our Christianity, beliefs, morals, culture, and ethics. It asked us to bend our knees not in prayer, but to that which is deemed as superior and of man. It asked us to worship and surrender to governments, and it left us feeling defeated. This year has seen most that was good turn to bad. It saw freedoms in every aspect of our lives being stripped from us. Some of us were left with no choice but to crawl into our boxes, afraid to be seen and fearful of being crucified. Others have run so far from these cages and are still running. Mostly deserted. Most feeling abandoned and shunned. Most unable to make sense of that little voice inside of them anymore. Both the boxed and unboxed were and have remained in a silent battle with themselves in a desperate attempt to hear that voice again. Both sides no longer know right from wrong. Good from evil. The hurt and anxiety is festering. The uncertainty is terrifying, and the loneliness of the soul is crushing.

As this ugly year is about to end, there is something that has begun flickering in all of us and it’s expanding. God does not come with boxes or seeks to clip our wings and cage us in any way. He does not seek conformity to injustices, or silence simply to keep the peace. God doesn’t seek to conquer us. He wants us to choose. He wants us to choose right from wrong. He wants us to reach out to those struggling to free themselves from manmade boxes. He wants us to be loud and firm in our beliefs and reliance on Him. He wants us to choose Him, but he’ll never command it. God is all that still shows up, is legitimate and no container comes with our free will. He strengthens us and gives us enough room to breathe while shaping us into the best possible versions of ourselves.

He gives us the freedom to choose and to live according to standards we elect for our lives. He reinforces our wings so that we can fly away from anything that is not of Him. We don’t belong in boxes. We shouldn’t be caged or separated from our loved ones. We weren’t created only to curl up and adapt in a world packed and stacked with boxes. None of us were. Any life presented to us that comes with a box is simply no life at all.

God doesn’t ask us to be only one way. All He asks of us is to seek Him, call on Him and let Him live through us. We are free to choose. He asks that our free will remains ours. It’s not for sale or to be surrendered to any man, and does not belong to any other living creature, but to you and me.

There was something ugly in all of us this year. But, this is not how it ends. He is handing us this sun so that we can see more clearly, love more dearly and shine more brightly. May we see through His eyes, hear from His ears and may He speak through us. May that little voice inside of us grow louder and stronger. May those that are trapped inside their boxes free themselves and join the good fight again. May we pray for each other, and may our numbers grow daily.

May God bless you, protect you, guide you and lead you. May He clothe you in His armor so that no harm or danger may befall you. May we show the same grace and mercy for others, that God shows us. May we forgive. May we take those boxes and destroy them all. Perhaps, those pursuing power over us may have won the 2021 battle, but they will never win the war. We know how it ends.

With love,

Alice VL

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